Mission to Health and Happiness!

It is no secret that many of us experience a certain degree of envy when advertisements with chiseled models complete with Spartan style six packs are flaunting around half naked in the latest pair of designer briefs. I ask myself why can’t I have a He-Man style 토토 body that doesn’t require me to pierce a fresh new hole in my belt every 6 months in order to combat the once slim and semi toned midriff I once possessed. It’s enough to put me off my cheesecake (believe it or not, mascarpone is a cheese, and delicious!).

Today’s society is very much focused around beauty, that’s no secret. Anyone who disagrees will be disagreeing with themselves. Granted, a few characters do claw their way into the big time, Susan Boyle for example (don’t ever show her in 3D please), however they are few and far between.

So the question is, do I wait for society to accept me or do I adapt to the beauty-infatuated institution that we call life. Is there a happy medium where I can happily set up base? There is no answer, but there is a solution. Happiness comes from within and I believe health, results in happiness.

Ok so I’ve hit over 200 words now and I have established in my mind that health will equal happiness. Am I healthy? The answer is probably not. If I was healthy, why would I be questioning my health! Something’s not right and unless it is addressed it will carry on eating away at me, think Heather from Eastenders at a wedding reception buffet, it’s relentless.

Ok lets step up and go in search of health, I’m not talking about some semi committed attempt that will crumble at the first site of a packet of cigarettes stuck to a Box of quality street. This is the real deal, no holds barred, as god as my witness I will become healthy (which means losing weight) and maybe audition for a part in the next 300 film!

Right so now I need to identify a strategy. What exercise can I do? Are there certain foods that would help me on my journey? Do I need to drink a lot of water, preferably without the standard shot of whisky? There is no real answer; it all depends on how your own body works. I can be educated in my choices and maybe swap a crème egg for an apple, or cut down on the alcohol in preference for an ice cold hit of H2O. Truth is, everything is ok in moderation, just as long as you listen to your own body and accept that over indulgence will hinder your progress.

Ok, lets start with exercise. I need to find something different, preferably away from glaring eyes. That counts out the local gym. I’m after a hobby that is able to stimulate almost every muscle in my body, I said almost! I’m not the type of guy to plan out which muscle I am going to ‘hit’ in the gym; I need something that covers everything effectively but with minimal fuss. I’m sure I can find it; it just depends on how far I am prepared to go.

I am on the yellow brick road and the Emerald city is not far away! For this exercise I am going to imagine the yellow brick road is a treadmill and the emerald city is shaped like a bicep. Apologies but fellow yellow brick conquerors such as Dorothy, the tin-man, the cowardly lion and the scarecrow wont be joining me as they are either too old or deceased. One things for sure, Toto definitely chewed his last bone years ago!

Ok enough, all hands on deck, I need a hobby, a discipline, a skill, something that will shave off the pounds in a challenging yet enjoyable way.
I am a firm believer in using your own body weight to increase stamina and strength. The press up is an old favorite that probably still remains the most practiced exercise due to it being accessible and challenging, but is it fun? I’m not going to dignify that with an answer but if anyone answers ‘yes’ to that question then I suggest never openly admitting that, one might suggest you could possibly be a bore.

So I shall use the press up sparingly due to its dullness, and the fact that its not a full body exercise, I am basing this theory on absolutely nothing but I feel I am of the required intellect to fathom a guess. Remember the key to successful exercise is to enjoy it, I speak from my years of experience of not enjoying exercise which has resulted in blood pressure higher than Lindsey Lohan in an opium factory.

So what else is there? Well this may take some explaining due to the homophobic and critical society we live in, however I am going to blow your mind and reveal just how I am going to rid myself of the love handles. To call this an exercise would not do it justice, because it is like a database of exercises all mixed together by using a certain piece of apparatus that believe it or not can actually take the demanding strain of my bodyweight. One piece of advice before I go on, if you are ever called cuddly or loveable, wise up and realize you are being called fat but would be attractive if you were thinner. You would call a bear cuddly, or a big pig loveable. Not a man. Men want to be called sexy, fit or broody if you will, so beware of false compliments.

Anyway my chosen form of exercise may well put me on the yellow brick road to being called sexy, if I put in the effort and remain strict with my dieting (no emergency box of maltesers in the glove compartment) then who knows?
Ok enough with the suspense, drum roll please, high intensity music at the ready, my chosen form of is of course pole dancing! I think I just heard a snigger from just about every alpha male in Britain. Well let me tell you, the sniggers will soon turn to applause when I explain to you just how practical and beneficial pole dancing can become for ones wellbeing.

 

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